Alice G. is a Latina multi-disciplinary artist from Los Angeles, CA. She expresses herself through writing, photography, research and poetry. She graduated from UC Irvine with a Bachelors in History and African American Studies. She spent her last year abroad in Barcelona, Spain where she interned for the Catalonian government. In 2017, Alice researched gender violence at Can Brians 1 penitentiary and presented her work at the UCI Symposium.

Since graduating Alice G. has worked in higher education and pursued multiple creative projects, including Cycle V S.LA.M., HUE Journal & ‘Excuse Me, I’m Speaking’ podcast. She is currently mentoring UCI students in a Humane Narratives Legacy Project. In her free time (pre-covid) she performed at open-mics in Orange County and LA. and traveled around the world; she’s been to Italy, Amsterdam, France and Prague. Right now, she is traveling safely by car to Zion, Grand Canyon & Joshua Tree. She loves spending time in nature with her dog Kai & Riri, her cat.

When did you experience your big loss and grief and who was the person in relation to you? 

My Papa passed away on July 4, 2019. It was sudden, devastating and the pain still feels like yesterday. We always joked that he had nine lives; he had survived a train, falling off a big trailer while painting it, and other unbelievable stories. He had promised to outlive Mama so she would never be alone. We didn’t arrive in time to say goodbye and that was haunting for a long time.

What words would you use to describe his character?

He was hilarious, artistic and always our (my sisters’ and me) #1 champion. His laugh took up the whole room, it was a contagious cackle that made you laugh along too. He was hardworking and encouraged us to see the world for ourselves.

What is your earliest memory of your Papa?

He would take us fishing on the weekends, we would pick up the essentials: live worms and twinkies. But we couldn’t leave without brushing our teeth and making sure we had extra napkins in our pocket for emergencies.

Have you integrated the loss of your Papa into your everyday life?

I didn’t notice it at first but it’s with me every day. The way I carry myself, how I speak and treat others around me. I had to be really kind with myself, I had never experienced a loss like this. It’s easy as human beings to judge ourselves for every mistake. I once read that we are the only animal to punish ourselves a thousand times for one mistake. I knew I couldn’t live that way. I used to pray before but now it’s my number one strategy to begin my day. In the morning I pray and journal, it helps take away things that can run around in my head but aren’t productive. Helps me to figure out where my body and mind are that day.

How would you define the word “HOPE”?

Although every part of my body and soul hurt, I never asked God ‘why?’ I was raised to believe that we all hold a special place in God’s heart. I trust God could only heal Papa by bringing him closer to Him. I trust today, God is healing my family and me here, but we are all still in God’s heart. Hope is being of value in this life-regardless of the inescapable end that is death. So today I follow hope with believing. Belief is not just having faith but following it by action. Belief is an action word. I have to get up and believe every day that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.

What does the word “healing” mean to you?

Healing for me is having boundaries, knowing when I need time alone, time with God and with community. Healing is asking for help when things start to feel heavy not when they’ve already become too much. Knowing that healing is not linear, that bad days don’t take me back to square one. Also, everyone’s healing journey is different, and no one has the right to judge.

What gifts have you found in the midst of your grief?

My friend reached out when my father passed, she sent me a thoughtful candle and book I pick up daily. It's full of pages that make me feel seen, understood and prayers for when I run out of words. Loss also brings community, knowing I am not alone is a gift. In the midst of grief there is joy and one can feel guilty about it. But joy is what fills up our glass, I am continuing to be a half-full glass type of woman. I am grateful for the joy that outweighs the grief on most days.

What is your biggest trigger and what helps you cope when it hits? 

Phone calls were triggering for months. We received that tragic call late at night and it took a lot for us to answer the phone after that. Another one is that my father died on my mother’s favorite holiday. She loves this country and always enjoyed the fireworks shows we would go to. Coming back from the hospital that day to a firework show we could see from our backyard was intense. Last year our neighbors put on a three-hour firework show, we all cried.

What kind of grief support have you found to be most helpful?

I have close friends who have lost a father, I didn’t understand their pain but now I do. It has brought us close and we can enjoy each other’s company in new ways. There is this new silent understanding.

What do you want the world to know about your Papa?

That someone doesn’t need to be ‘good’ to be remembered. I will never romanticize my Papa. We are all flawed and interesting human beings. My Papa loved my mother and us. He would constantly remind us that we were ‘desired children’ and that he loved having all girls. Even after my parents separated there was respect between my parents. A constant nurturing of their friendship that trickled down to us. Juan Jose was hilarious, innovative and taught us all he could so we would be book and street-smart.

What makes you feel most connected to your Papa who is no longer here? Is there anything specific or a symbol that you look for that reminds you of him?

My father left me his childhood bible, reading it brings me comfort. Also, his ashes were scattered on the beach. My sisters and I go often, to ride bikes, bonfire or just sit there in silence. It makes us feels close to him.

If your Papa could tell you anything, what do you think he would say to you?

“Echale ganas mija, tu puedes”. Which roughly translates to, “keep going baby girl, you can do it.” My friend actually gifted me one of the last photos we took together with those words inscribed on the top. It’s a daily reminder to take things one day at a time. Sometimes even one-hour at a time but that things won’t be gloomy forever.

If you could choose one picture that best visualizes/represents your life now post-loss, what would it be? 

Sunsets with Papa:

If you knew he could drop by and visit tomorrow, what would your ideal day with him look like? 

Papa loved to go to Fonda Don Chon brunch on Sundays. He would wake us up, ‘where we going to eat today? Fonda?’ -followed by his unmistakable laughter. We would go eat there and then head to the beach.

What do you wish you had said to your Papa before he left this earth? 

I love you, Papa. I know he knows that, but it’s always good to tell the person you love, you love them. I love you Papa.

Is there anything else you want to say on this topic?

Thank you for giving me the space to talk about my Papa. I feel so grateful to be a part of your series.

Publish date: May 10, 2021